Today is the First Day
by ParadigmShifter
Summary: Something rather... odd... happens when Buffy and Xander are out on Patrol. What can you say except, "Poor Vampire..."?


Disclaimer: Joss, WB, UPN et al. own Buffy. Grant/Naylor and the BBC own Red Dwarf. And a cameo by Death of the Endless, whose character is owned by Neil Gaiman. I don't own them.  
  
Title: Today is the First Day  
  
Author: Paradigm Shifter  
  
Rating: PG? PG-13? I dunno. Some crazy humour.  
  
Feedback: Please! Remember the feedback contract!  
  
Thanks: Bobby Cox, Teri, and Trevelyan.  
  
Notes: This is just a crazy idea that came to me this morning for no apparent reason. Not set in any particular time, but before all the characters were replaced with EvilAlterEgos™.  
  
Beta'd by Teri. Thank you. :)

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Dedication: FM. RIP.

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Buffy sat on a gravestone, kicking her feet out aimlessly as she waited. Xander was standing a short distance away, leaning against a crypt with a stake in one hand and a bored expression on his face. "How much longer is this fledgling going to take to rise? It's almost morning!"  
  
Xander shrugged. "Dunno, Buff. Hopefully it'll rise about ten seconds after the sun comes up. Maybe that'll teach it a lesson?"  
  
Buffy laughed. "With my luck, all it'll get is a tan."  
  
Xander looked at the grave. "Hey, Buff? It moved."  
  
Buffy hopped down and stood next to the grave, spinning a stake idly round her fingers in boredom. "Come on! I actually want to be able to say I did go to bed last night..."  
  
"It's been a lot easier since you told Joyce you're the Slayer. Should have done it at the beginning, Buff."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I dunno. I guess so, but I was hoping not to have to expose her to the dark, sort of thing. Guess that didn't work out too well..." Now she sighed, "Still at least she didn't know Spike was a vampire..."  
  
"True."  
  
A voice echoed round the graveyard in the early light. "And what are you two doing here? Juvenile delinquents? Have teenagers really taken up grave-robbing?"  
  
Buffy turned to where the voice was coming from, Xander coming up behind her both to back her up and as a measure of protection. Strength in numbers, and all that. "Who are you?"  
  
"I, dear girl? My name isn't important, but you may like to know that the procedure around here will change from now on."  
  
"Change how? Are you the next big bad we need to kill?" Buffy moved into a fighting stance.  
  
"I? No. I am from the Department of Death and Deceased Persons' Rights. I have come to make sure that any individual is aware of their Rights under the Law after their death."  
  
"Come again?" Xander asked, "if they're dead, they have no rights. Y'know... 'cause they're... well, dead."  
  
"That is where you are wrong, young sir. Watch." The figure moved out of the shadows. He was shorter than Buffy – a not inconsiderable feat in itself – and wore large rimmed glasses that made him look owlish. His impeccably tailored suit was a size too large for him – like someone had hoped he would grow into it.  
  
A growl broke the impasse. A hand was reaching out of the grave where the vampire was starting to rise, reaching around to find purchase. The man walked smoothly over to it and gripped the wrist, helping the vampire out of the hole.  
  
The vampire, now free, paused at the utter unconcern that the human was displaying. Then it felt its hands filled with a small pamphlet and a no nonsense voice told him to "Read it."  
  
Confused, it did so. The small booklet was entitled, "Your Own Death And How To Cope With It", and the subtitle read, "Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Death." Flicking through the pages, it began to look increasingly scared, until the man gripped its wrist again and looked about for a flat surface.  
  
"Ah, perfect." He dragged the thoroughly bewildered vampire over to a flat topped grave that ended at what could be considered table height, and handed the vampire a pen. Then he laid down a folder full of paper, and began to lay out sheet after sheet, explaining as he went. Buffy was grinning from ear to ear, and Xander was wincing in half-sympathy as the vamp just followed the man's every instruction.  
  
"Now, you need to fill out this form informing your next of Kin of your death... in triplicate. And this form informing the government of your no longer payable – but still taxable status... in triplicate again." The cowed vampire signed each piece of paper dutifully.  
  
"And these forms to alert the Registrars that your Birth Certificate needs to be invalidated... next, this form, explaining how you died in 200 words or less. Yes, you need to enclose a passport sized photo of both you when alive, and one of your corpse."  
  
The vampire held its hand up nervously. "I... I, uh, don't have a photo of me handy."  
  
The man didn't look phased, although he did look slightly annoyed. His eye twitched. "Very well..." he said slowly, "in that case, you need to fill out form APP dash 213 dash 43 slash D... in triplicate, of course, and this sub form to notify your family to provide a photo of both you alive and your corpse... oh, you also need to contact the coroner that performed your autopsy and request a signed letter be sent to these organisations and Departments within the government..." The man handed the vampire a sheet of paper with at least twenty different addresses on it.  
  
The vampire cast a despairing look at Buffy, its eyes pleading with her to stake either it, or the man who was putting it through something worse than Hell: bureaucracy.  
  
The man didn't even notice. He removed the pen from the vampires unresisting fingers and replaced it with a pencil. "Now, could you draw, in the space provided, a diagram of how your corpse was found? And the circumstances leading up to your death."  
  
The vampire dutifully drew a stick figure diagram of its limbs twisted in impossible directions. It paused and looked fearfully at the man again.  
  
"Excellent." The man took the pencil again and gave back the pen. It was only after the vampire no longer had the pencil that it realised it could have ended it then and there. "Now... only a few small questions left, I'm afraid. Mere formalities, you understand, of course, don't you?" The vampire nodded, its eyes seemed to glaze over.  
  
"Were you married?"  
  
The vampire shook its head.  
  
"Girlfriend?"  
  
Nod.  
  
"Long term?"  
  
Another nod. Eyes glazed over some more. Buffy was in awe. She almost felt sorry for the vampire!  
  
"We're into the home stretch, now... please sign..." He looked up. "Oh, dear girl, would you help and counter sign this form?" Buffy nodded uncertainly. There was this insane magnetism to the man. You couldn't shake your head. It was impossible. "Superb. Now, if the two of you would sign here..." He pointed to the form. "And here..." He pointed to another place, "and..." he flipped the form over and pointed to a tiny box at the bottom, "and here. You may have to squeeze your name in. terribly sorry. Whoever designs these forms obviously never had to use them. No person has a signature that small, do they?" His amiable chatter continued.  
  
"And just a few final things... sign these forms and send them to the addresses on the tops of them? Here's one for Application of Death... and another for accident claims, yes, you can get your life insurance payment direct into your bank account. It goes to you, not to anyone else."  
  
The vampire's eyes lit up with greed.  
  
"...but, now you are dead, you are subject to Inheritance Taxes of... 80 percent. So that makes the payment coming to you... um, hang on..." he pulled out a calculator, and tapped away on it. The vampire stood there dumbly, while Buffy got while the getting was good. "...Oh. You have just over $40,000 to be paid. Bank accounts you already own will be shut down and diverted to your new post-Death account... after having Inheritance tax deducted, of course..."  
  
The vampire seemed to waver on its feet as the man continued. It looked relieved as he started to pack up his files. "Remember, all of these forms need to be sent in within two weeks, or their will be penalties... including having to redo all of there forms..." The vampire gibbered in horror.  
  
"Good morning, sir. Remember: Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Death." The man nodded cordially, and left.  
  
The sun chose that second to rise over the horizon and the grateful vampire burst into dust with a relieved smile on his face.  
  
Xander stood next to Buffy. Both turned when they heard a voice behind them. A black haired girl with a silver Ankh around her neck shook her head sadly. "I think you'll start seeing a lot more of that, Slayer. Oh, don't worry, I don't mean you any harm. In fact, you could probably quit the job now that's going to go on..." Death shook her head. "I'm sorry, but I think once you're dead, you're dead. The bastards should leave you alone!"  
  
Buffy and Xander looked at each other.  
  
"I think we need to lay off the four cheese pizzas, Buff."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I think you're right, Xand."  
  
End.

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I know, it was crazy. Hope you enjoyed it, and please review. :-) 


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